Loneliness…
by Aellepi
Summary: There are so many kinds of loneliness. No two are exactly the same, just like no two persons are the same either. A series of drabbles.
1. …of Longevity

_**EDIT 03/01/13** - Oh, deary me. This was a pain to edit. Seriously. Why couldn't I learn about the semi-colon or the slash earlier? ;_;_

Hello, this is my first... well, anything for the Natsume Yuujinchou fandom. :) Please, **tell me** what you think on them. Yes, them. There are more where that came from (at least other three, and my heads about to explode from all the clutter in it). I'll be posting the next one tomorrow.

So, it's going to be a series of drabbles, mostly centering on the different kinds of loneliness that the Natsume characters feel or felt. There will be other "emotions" as well, but mostly just loneliness, I think.

Enjoy!

**Warning:** No warning, actually. Though I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to me just yet about the manga (I've reserved the first volume from my library, but it's going to take at least three months before I get to read it :/). Just the anime, please. :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Natsume Yuujinchou, nor will I ever do so. It's too cool to be of my making. This disclaimer applies to all drabbles I have or will post after this one.

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><p><strong>...of Longevity<strong>

How he hated humans.

Well, not humans, per se. More like their inability to understand.

Reiko had understood - a bit at least, the shrewd woman that she was. When they had talked, she had sometimes given him a look best described as a mix of gentleness and sadness and... pity. It had driven him up the walls, that look had. How dare she, a mere human, _how dare she_?

At that point Reiko had always started to laugh, that rare air of sympathy shifting into her usual demeanor of arrogance and confidence. The memories, even of these moments, were so like Reiko that now, years later, they were almost too painful to recall. As was every single thing, not only of Reiko, but of all those other as well. The others he had watched over for one reason or another during his long, long existence.

He knew that when that fool of a Natsume would die, all these little things - the way he would smile or glare, his punches as well as his caresses... _all these little things_, as seemingly random and inconsequential as anything, would be the finest of treasures to him. The memories of that, _this_, time. And yet, they would hurt him even worse this time around because there wasn't just foolish, kind Natsume, but also all these little insignificant friends of his - like that calm, collected and silent Tanuma, and that Taki who always gave him such a strong hug it would pain him for _hours_after. Even the damn actor held a place - albeit small, tiny, minute - in his affection.

How he hated humans and their short lives and his own long, long existence.

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><p><strong>Review<strong>, please! It will make my day, since these are my first ever drabbles.

Ta!


	2. …of Weakness

_**EDIT 03/01/13** - Edited this too._

Hello, again! Oh, I got such lovely reviews! Thank you for them! And the person who both alerted and favourited this too! :)

I hope you enjoy this one as well!

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><p><strong>...of Weakness<strong>

It had never really mattered to him.

His body had sometimes just given up on him. The weariness had slowly ganged up on him until his whole being had seemed to echo with it. The doctors had called it a lot of things, but he had never believed them. No, saying that he had never listened to them in the first place would be more accurate.

What it had been was of no consequence.

Even when he hadn't been entirely happy about the situation, he definitely hadn't been sad about this weakness of his. Yes, sometimes, he had let the loneliness overwhelm him. When he had been in bed - with fever, or with pains, or with something he had gotten when he had felt something emanating from nothing - and the day had been sunny, warm and wonderful outside his bedroom window... he had cried.

But this depression had never lasted long. His father had always noticed and made it better - in one way or another. No matter whether it had been by purifying him and him room in case there was something not there, or by simply reading out loud to him, everything had looked brighter. Everything had become better.

Now, years later, he wasn't lonely anymore. His body was better - though nowhere near as strong as others' - than it had been then. And his weakness of body was ignored in favour of other things.

These days his loneliness of weakness is no more.


	3. …of Naming

_**EDIT 03/01/13** - Rewritten~_

Hello! I hope you enjoy this one, and I'll post the next one again tomorrow.

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><p><strong>...of Naming<strong>

The spirit had disappeared from her sight, its huge grey shape leaving the small circle she had drawn on the ground. But it seemed to her that it was still there - the ominous words echoing in the silence.

But now there was no silence anymore. The birds had resumed their singing; a dog was barking like mad in the distance.

The silence was further broken by her ragged breathing and her sobs as a horrible, blanketing understanding of what had taken place here took hold of her. She leant forward, curling into a foetal position. Her whole body shook as she held herself, and the terror slowly vanished with each shuddering breath, with each tremor.

It was only when she returned to her home - when her mother asked immediately if something was wrong when she saw her daughter's face - that she realised exactly the kind of deal she had struck with the spirit.

It was when she opened her mouth to say, "I'm fine, Mom", choking on them when she remembered what the spirit had threatened to do to those thrirteen unlucky individuals after her.

It was when she ran to her room and locked the door behind her - when she had thrown herself on her bed and buried her face in the pillow to smother her sobs - when she made her decision that she felt the weight of a kind of loneliness settle on her shoulders.

The fear of naming thirteen people to follow her to death.

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><p>Thank you for reading! Now, please <strong>review<strong>!

Ta!


	4. …of Families

_**EDIT 15/01/13** - Didn't change much on this one. Though I did have great, great difficulties with one part. <.<"_

Hello again! :) Ah, this one is... Not one, I'm so happy with, so please **tell me** if it was crappy or not. Anyway, enjoy!

Oh, and... Moi, te kaksi suomalaista! ^-^ Mä olisin _todella_ iloinen jos te kertoisitte mitä ajattelette näistä mun pikku... jostain. :P Siis jos ootte lukemassa tätäkin.

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><p><strong>...of Families<strong>

They had never had any children. There had always been just the two of them.

Together.

It had been a good way to live their lives, because at first they had loved each other. They still did, but then it had been imperial as they had had their difficulties. There had been rows and hardships, made both by themselves and by others.

Now they were so easy, their lives. Or life - as much as they had tried to remain how they were, or they maybe really hadn't noticed, but in time their lives had become so entwined they had, in a certain way, become the two aspects of one person. She, as the home and the warmth of silliness, and he, as the security and the warmth of silence.

So they lived day after day after day. Endlessly, never stopping.

Together. Alone.

Natsume Takashi broke that endless cycle. He came and he, with his shyness and his reserved demeanour, made them... _feel_. He made them happy and sad, worried and content.

They were together, but not alone. Not since Natsume Takashi.

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><p>So, thank you for reading and now just <strong>review<strong>! Thank you! :) Next one will be posted tomorrow.

Ta!


	5. …of Emotions: Happiness

_**EDIT - 20/01/13** - Rewritten~_

Hello! This is getting a bit boring... Nobody reviews. :( Not even to say, 'good.' Or 'bad.' With these drabbles, that really would be enough, you know.

Anyway, enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Emotions:<strong>

_Happiness of Ignorance_

He had never realized what that boy would do to him.

Natsume-kun was always so solemn, his eyes staring at a person like he wanted to see, or was seeing, their soul and every kind and unkind thought in them. And yet, he was so easy to trick. By humans, and by spirits. He was so unbelievably naïve and unknowing of the way those two different worlds worked. Innocent, in some way.

So how come he - he who lived partly in both worlds, who had lived longer in them, who had seen so much of the two worlds - had not seen this coming? How come he had not realized there was a good reason why the spirits who lived close to, and even a good way away from, Natsume-kun kept calling him Natsume-sama, Natsume-dono? How come he had not realised 'that' not only worked on spirits, but on humans as well?

_Natsume-sama, Natsume-dono._

Why did he feel so happy to tell Natsume-kun a petty excuse; tonight would be a night when they would not think about the spirits they could see. At least not more than usual as Hiiragi and that bodyguard of his were with them.

Why did he feel so happy at that other lie, at the fact Natsume-kun might never find out - but inevitably would, as it was only fair - about the job he had accepted to do while they were at the hot springs, and the way he had decided to use that boy?

Why?

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><p>So, now that you have read this, <strong>review<strong>! Actually, reviews on this will be **more than appreciated**. This is the first of the Natori-centric emotion-drabbles, and hearing what you think will be... informative. Natori is such a complex guy...

Next one will come tomorrow! And that might just be the last one until Tuesday? Wednesday? I won't be able to access the web for a while until then. Ta!


	6. …of Talking and Listening

_**EDIT 11/02/13** - Edited~_

Hello! Pardon me for the slight lateness. We went to Pellestrina yesterday (lovely, but rather boring. The food was great, though! ^-^) and I got heatstroke... =_= So again, pardon me.

Anyway, this drabble here is one of my personal favourites! :) I hope you enjoy it.

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><p><strong>...of Talking and Listening<strong>

He realised it when he was walking down a school hallway with Taki. He understood he had a kind of loneliness in him he hadn't thought he even had.

Taki was chattering away next to him, relieved and happy after her year of silence and worry, freed from the fear of naming people. Her eyes were bright and a slight smile pulled at her lips, while her hands fluttered weakly as she explained something to him – not only in words, but in indications and shapes.

He realized it when she turned to him with that almost breathlessly joyous look, saying something that would, no doubt, make him laugh. It did, and for so many other reasons too.

As much as he was relieving Taki of her self-imposed loneliness of silence, she was relieving him of the loneliness of a different kind of silence. One where he didn't have anyone to listen to. One where no one wanted to talk to him. To tell him everything about anything they could while being in full – or maybe not so full – knowledge of his abilities and problems.

Because of that realization, he promised to himself that if Taki ever needed to tell him anything, no matter how stupid or mundane or unimportant, he would listen.

Since now, it seemed, there was someone who cared enough to talk to him.

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><p>As another request of apology, I have decided that instead of posting just one drabble, I'll post two! :) I would also appreciate if you <strong>review<strong>ed! Thank you.

Ta!


	7. …of Worry

Here is the other drabble! Now, this one is another I like, but I'm still not sure if it came out good. It just kind of veered off of what I intended, I guess. :/ **Tell me** what you think, please.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Worry<strong>

She has lived such a lovely life with her beloved Shigeru-san. There were no bad things, at least no more than usual, in it and they were happy. Of course, they were always very sad on not having a child of their own, but Takashi-kun was such a dear, dear boy. In some way, he made the sun shine brighter, the days better than before.

Even though Takashi-kun was such a strange boy, he was still so very dear to her and to Shigeru-san as well. Nyankichi-kun too, was dear.

But seeing Takashi-kun standing in the middle of the road, looking at nothing and yelling about _corpses_, she became worried. Worried like never before. Ah, that was not true. It was when he turned to her, and she asked him what he was doing in as gentle way as she could, that she worried even more.

Because there was a look in his eyes then, an expression on his face that seemed to freeze everything for a second. Something that hurt her so much...

She never wanted Takashi-kun to have an expression like that. Ever.

But she could do nothing as he moved to block her line of sight to his face, to his eyes and his pain. She could do nothing as he, his lips tight and jaw clenched, told her that nothing was wrong, that he was fine and everything else as well. She could do nothing as Takashi-kun lied to her.

It made her feel lonely, knowing that for some reason that she was not aware of, as he was such a nice, loving boy, Takashi-kun chose to do this.

It made her feel so lonely.

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><p>Hehee... <strong>Review<strong>, please! Oh, and I forgot. I really will not be updating until Wednesday, so there will be a third drabble today! :)

Ta!


	8. …of Emotions: Sadness

My second drabble on Natori and his emotions! **Tell me** if it's getting repetitive or if it's any good.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Emotions:<strong>

_Sadness of Choice_

It didn't cause him any kind of feeling, telling Natsume-kun that he had to choose. Maybe pity. And understanding of that pain that he must be feeling. But those feelings were familiar from their encounters from before.

There were no unusual feelings even when Natsume-kun turned his head away and ran from him. That boy was so very soft, too soft.

But it was when Hiiragi asked him, told him that he should decline works of this world in Natsume-kun's area, when he was almost overwhelmed with a feeling. A feeling he was not used to feeling. At least not around Natsume-kun.

When alone, yes.

The surge of sadness that was inside him did not seem to want to leave, and he knew why it was there now.

Not having any works of this world here would mean not seeing Natsume-kun. But if he did take more work of this world in Natsume-kun's area (when had it become Natsume-kun's area?) they would meet and their opinions would clash and Natsume-kun would not be the only one who was hurt by that.

What he felt, was the sadness of that choice. The choice _he_ must do.

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><p>Hmm... That wasn't an especially good one... Sigh. Anyway, <strong>review<strong>! Pretty please!

See you on Wednesday! :)


	9. …of Reality

Hello again! :) I'm back. With a drabble or two. Or three. Haha, hope you like this one. And if you do or don't, I would like to know exactly what it was that was good and nice or bad and horrible.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Reality<strong>

When he would look at the photos, he would always feel a myriad of emotions. It was usually so inconvenient that he chose to keep the photos in a small, wooden box, tucked into the very back of his closet.

Out of sight, out of mind.

And anyway, there were not that many photos in that small, wooden box. Just a few, taken when he was so little he had hardly reached his father's knee. A few, with him and his mother and his father, the happy faces of those three people haunting, because his life has not given him many chances since to look that happy.

Touko-san had once asked about those photos, when she had been cleaning his room and found them accidentally. He had explained to her that he could not remember what they had been doing when the photos were taken.

Later (much, much later, days and months and years later), he confessed to her that he could not even remember their faces on his own, he could not recall their funerals, or what his life had been like then.

What he did not admit to Touko-san was that he wasn't even sure if the persons in the photos were real.

Because, with the kind of life he was leading now, returning the names of youkai and ayakashi when asked, it would not be at all surprising if none of the scenes captured in those photos were real.

It was not as if he could confirm the reality of those photos, know them to be real.

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><p>Now, go <strong>review<strong>! Reviews make the world go around! :) Seriously.

Ta!


	10. …of Seasons

This is the longest drabble yet... And another I'm not so sure on. **Tell me** what you think of it!

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Seasons<strong>

How lovely it was, being like this. Just calm, relaxed, no hurry or worry. Looking at the blooming sakura and talking with Maya-chan.

Though he did hope that the owner of that white, white hand would come down and sit beside him. Would look at him and smile at him.

She must have a lovely smile, Maya-chan.

Every morning when he went to that tree, she would already be there. Every day, she would stay up there, the only visible part of her being that hand. And every evening, she would remain after him.

At one point he had joked that Maya-chan must live up in that tree, but she had become silent, and in fear of her never coming back the next day, he had apologized. Not desperately, like he felt, but calmly stating his own error and asking for her forgiveness if he had been rude. She had laughed, and changed the topic.

How lovely it all was...

The realization was like a punch in the guts, it drained him of his strength, leaving him empty and unable to leave his bed for a few days.

He had gone there, to the sakura tree, but Maya-chan had not been there. He had thought that one day would be of no matter, so he had returned to the tree the next day. But Maya-chan had still not been there. For three days, he had returned to the sakura, and she had not been there.

Maya-chan had disappeared with the sakura's blooms.

The next year, when the sakura was blooming again, he remembered abruptly Maya-chan and their talks. In a fit of remembrance, he had gone to their meeting place, only to find a small, white hand emerging from the tree.

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><p>I'm getting repetitive, but... <strong>Review<strong>! Please! :)

Ta!


	11. …of Silence

And here is today's third drabble! Also one I liked more than the others. I would be very interested to know what you think.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Silence<strong>

She sat on the bank of the lake, next to Akifumi-san, just like it was supposed to be. The grass was so green it hurt the eyes, the water of the lake the bluest of colours, only equal to the sky. There was no one here apart from them, along with the firefly-eating youkai in the lake, just like it was supposed to be.

But she was still pained.

She wanted to close her eyes, but by now, she had learned that that would hurt even more. It would make the silence, the absence of talking and laughing and Akifumi-san seeing her, more obvious, more hurtful.

There had been nothing, not even a pained sob or a barely murmured whisper from him. Nothing.

There had been nothing since that last plea, when he had fallen on his knees in supplication and begged her to show herself. That time she had finally admitted out loud that she had loved, still loved, him.

The silence was overwhelming, all-consuming. So much so, that she sometimes felt like she was suffocating. But she was still with Akifumi-san.

At the very least, she was still there _beside_ him even if not _with_ him.

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><p>Jeesh! :D That's it for today. Now, go <strong>review<strong> and make me happy. I'll post something tomorrow.

Ta!


	12. …of Misunderstandings

Hello! To tell you the truth, I just wrote this... x) But I watched the four episodes of Natsume 3rd season and got so much inspiration! *_* Now I just need to write them down. Which I am. Should I put a warning that this has to do with that fourth episode? o.o Well, **warning**: spoilers up to 4th episode of Natsume 3rd season.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Misunderstandings<strong>

"Go away! I _hate_ you!"

The words pierced her, hurting her more than she would have thought possible. They made the small hole in her, closing slowly by his presence, grow bigger. That small cavity inside of her that she always felt, but never acknowledged.

Her kid (how he looked so strange, with his blond hair and golden eyes) was crying hard, his whole body shaking. The other kid, the one who had teased him, thrown the rock at him, the first time she had seen her kid was staring at him in shock. And disgust.

She wanted to go the that other kid and hit him in the head, but the pain inside her was so big she could not ignore it. But she did not want to know of her pain, and she definitely did not want her kid to know of it. She was the great ayakashi. The one who scared him, who made him cry out in fear...

So, she left.

Later she wondered of him, and the next day she waited for him. But her kid never came through that path again.

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><p>Sigh. That was that. Tomorrow another one and while you're at it, why don't you <strong>review<strong>? ^-^ They are always welcomed. Ta!


	13. …of Loneliness

Hello! Today's drabble is a continuation of yesterday's, so **warning**: this is set in the fourth episode of the 3rd season of Natsume.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Loneliness<strong>

When she found him, he was just sitting on the grass, his legs dangling. His head was bowed and his face was sad. He seemed to be an intricate work of art, made by some powerful spirit, beautiful against the setting sun.

She moved forward, saddened even more by this little human child.

He whirled to look at her, but instead of the angry, hateful expression, she received a smile. A smile so beautiful it lightened her heart, closed that hole inside her. Because that smile was directed at her, and even though she knew it was not real, as she was in the shape of a kitten, it was still nice.

His arms were warm, solid, when he hugged her. His face was serene and content. He rubbed his cheek against the side of her head and sighed.

She liked it. She liked it so very, very much.

His whispered words of pain and hope made her sad again. Opened that small void inside her anew. She wished she could stay with him forever. Because when he spoke those words he had sounded lonely. Because she finally recognised that same loneliness inside her and wished he would take it away from her.

But she knew that that would never happen.

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><p>Now, you <strong>review<strong>. It is a very nice thing to do, so it should be done.

Ta!


	14. …of Coldness

Hello! Actually, I had planned on giving another of the Natori-centric ones, but my stupid computer lost it... So you get this. Maybe not as good, but I hope as hell that you still enjoy it.

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><p><strong>...Of Coldness<strong>

_Warm..._

_So warm..._

He felt wonderfully warm in here, beside his siblings, under his mother's warm body. His father had never been there, helping his mother in warming him and his siblings.

There was darkness, but it did not matter, because the warmness was flowing into him and helping him, awakening him slowly and caressing him gently. But it was still too slow, his seeing the light would take time still.

A jolt. Of fear. Of coldness.

_Cold..._

_So cold..._

They left suddenly, taking the warmness away and leaving only the coldness to remind him of what had been. And it was the coldness that remained for they never returned, the warmness staying away as well.

The coldness was seeping into the darkness, stifling him, killing him. It was faster then the warmness had been, faster and definitely more dangerous.

A jolt. Of satisfaction. Of warmness.

"Ah, good. It's still warm."

_Warm..._

_So warm..._

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><p>That was it! <strong>Review<strong>, please! Ta!


	15. …of Nonexistence

Hello! I'm so happy when I hear from a reader, so you get an even more sombre one today. ^-^ I hope you enjoy it.

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><p><strong>...Of Non-existence<strong>

Someone had always seen her. Looked at her.

Humans with their disdain and fear and disgust. They had all looked at her.

Spirits with their disdain and fear and respect. They had all looked at her.

Now she was dead and no one was looking at her. Nobody could see her. Not even Takashi, her own blood and flesh, one who was so like her he could dispel the contracts she had made with the spirits.

Maybe she was a little happy about it. She had never really enjoyed the stares and the whispers. She had put up a façade to cover her feelings to seem strong to others. And it had worked.

Maybe she was a bit sad about it as well. It seemed like Takashi had finally found a happy life and she would want so much to be a part of it. She would want Takashi to look at her, because he would understand. And the others might never understand, but they would accept. Without a second look, thought, chance, they would accept her as they had accepted Takashi.

It made her feel so lonely, to think that now she might receive all she ever wanted.

But she was dead. And the dead can't come back to life. Ever.

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><p>That was sad, yes? <strong>Review<strong>, please, and make my day!

Ta!


	16. …of Emotions: Hate

Hello! Another Natori-centric. Not the one I had lost though. I hope you enjoy this.

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><p><strong>...Of Emotions:<strong>

_Hate of Everything_

They kept saying he was cursed. Bad luck. That everyone should stay away from him, because he might be the death of them.

His mother had been the only one who had not thought that. But she was dead. She had never said he was weird when he told her of the things he could see. No, she had said that he was special. That only someone who was going to do great in life would be able to see what he saw.

He had believed her. He really had.

But it was so hard, when the others gave him strange looks and avoided him. When the kids, his friends, ran away laughing at his sight. It was so hard when the strange things he saw were everywhere. And trying to ignore them was so hard, when they were so strange.

Maybe everyone were right. Maybe he was cursed. Maybe he was bad luck.

And that would mean... That his mother's death was his fault.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no, nononononononononono-

He hated them. For saying such things.

He hated them. For being there at all.

But most of all, he hated himself. For doubting his mother's words.

(For living.)

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><p>That was dark again, right? ^-^ Now <strong>review<strong>, please! If not this then that other story I posted yesterday. (Yes, I am shamelessly fishing for reviews here. When aren't I?)

Ta!


	17. …of Sight

Hello! A bit late in the day... It's midnight where I am. :3 I almost didn't post anything. My stupid computer lost the drabble again. Was so pissed I rewrote it. So, enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Sight<strong>

He realized almost immediately that Natsume was hiding the truth. (Saying that he was lying would be too cruel. He himself knew that.) He always knew swiftly when someone was hiding the truth from him. Maybe it was his upbringing, maybe it was the fact that he himself had had to be a bit insincere occasionally.

But he realized that Natsume could see very well whatever it was that was making that play of shadows and reflected light in the ceiling.

It was a bit surprising really. Not that Natsume could see whatever it was, but what he felt when he made the realization of falsity.

Natsume was the kind of person who hid things from other people to not burden them. After all, he had told him just now that he did not want that the Fujiwaras were to know of his ability to see youkai. That he did not want to cause them sadness or worry.

Maybe Natsume thought that telling him would cause the same reaction?

But, no. He did not feel sad or worried for Natsume. He just felt very, very lonely.

He had always thought that it would be the fact that he saw things others did not that would make him feel sad. He had never in his life imagined that it would be the fact that he did not see _enough_ to cause that loneliness in him.

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><p>And... I give up, guys. Really. It's not only you, it's also some other people. I give up on receiving any reviews. :( The drabbles will still come, but I doubt I'll be asking for any reviews now.<p>

Ta!


	18. …of Wishes

Hello! This one... not so sure on. Don't actually know enough about him to be sure I've written him even close to the same... standard as everyone else. **Warning:** was inspired by episode 5 of Natsume 3rd season, so you might need to see that first. Might.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Wishes<strong>

_I wish I could see them._

He had always had that thought. He could not remember thinking anything different. Always that wish, that dream.

He had gone to the storeroom, opened the doors and looked inside. He had marvelled at the books, the scrolls, the power that seemed to emanate from that place. He had loved the old smell, the dustiness, the almost veneration.

He had taken one book that time, the first book he had been able to get his dirty little child's hands on. But he had not been able to read it or understand it. The pictures had scared his friends when they had looked at the book. He hadn't cared.

That book had been about youkai. About ayakashi. About something he wished he could see.

But he didn't.

After years and years of research, of trying, he was still not able to see them without the seeing-circle. And it frustrated him no end, to know that they _were_ there. Playing tricks with him, no doubt too. Laughing, when he said aloud that he wanted to see them.

Always giving off that annoying (wonderful, intoxicating, sweet) smell of flowers.

With that smell surrounding him, he immerged himself into more research, more trying. All to fulfil that wish. Just to see them, even for one second, without resorting to the circle.

Just... for one... second...

He wanted to see them.


	19. …of Emotions: Love

Hello! This is... the fourth Natori-drabbie. Yet. Again, not the one I lost (I doubt I'll ever write or post that one), though I hope you will enjoy this one too.

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><p><strong>...Of Emotions:<strong>

_Love of Curiosity_

There it is.

Moving up his right leg, twisting slowly around his thigh before settling in on his hip and curling there. The little shadow lizard, the moving birthmark that no one else could see. How it thrilled him.

He loved showing it to his mother, loved the little crease of puzzlement that came to her brow when he pointed at it. Loved the way she would afterwards break into a smile and call him 'her little special boy'.

Now it was moving again, scuttling fast across his stomach and over his left side to his back.

He ran to the mirror all the while tugging his shirt up, and turning his back to it, watched over his shoulder as the lizard moved making little swirls in its wake, the patterns drawn unclear. His breath caught in his throat in excitement, and when it moved over his lower right rib, he giggled, imagining that the movement was making him ticklish.

Another sound made him turn back to the rest of the room. A man, his uncle who was visiting for the weekend, was standing by the doorway, staring at him, his expression showing only distaste and contempt as he let go of his shirt and just stood there, looking back at the man.

They stared at each other for a while, until the man left the room, a noise of disgust leaving his throat.

He turned back to the mirror, his eyes sad and not understanding. The lizard was moving to rest on his cheek, it's tail curling comfortingly around his right eye.

What was so wrong with him being curious?


	20. …of the Unchangeable Past

Hello! Ahh, forgive me for the wait for this one. I was a bit busy and I think my mind exploded at one point. :P Good thing is, I have now managed to get the first two volumes of Natsume manga from my library. ^-^ Maybe it will give me a different look on things.

I hope you enjoy this one!

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><p>…<strong>Of the Unchangeable Past<strong>

Crying.

He could hear crying. It was coming from... Ah, there.

_Why? Why can I see them?_

It was a boy. Just a young boy, sitting with his hands holding his knees to his chest. His face was sad and lonely, the tear tracks visible as more tears fell down his cheeks.

He wondered idly what his problem was.

Now, the boy was sitting on a small box, his back against the wall and his forearms resting on top of his knees, his chin propped on top of that still. His face was surprisingly blank, the face of someone who had given up.

A woman came up to the boy and spoke to him. He couldn't hear exactly what she said, but he saw her put her hand on top of the boy's head and give him a small smile.

The boy was standing next to her, staring gravely at that woman, his face a mixture of shy, fearful and hopeful. It puzzled him, the expression on the boys face.

_**I**__ don't feel lonely, because you come to see me, Natsume._

Natsume? That boy... was Natsume?

He woke up when Natsume pushed him off of the boy's face, grumbling about heavy kitty-cats under his breath.

¨Who are you calling a kitty-cat?¨


	21. …of Dishonesty

Hello! Decided to post another one while I still seemed to be able to put something down. Not so sure of this, had to write it a few times... Oh, well. I hope you still enjoy this!

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><p><strong>...Of Dishonesty<br>**

She had always 'not liked' quite a lot of people.

With Reiko, she had instantly (not really) loved her. Her eyes, staring at you like she had been superior to you. Her lips, pulling in a way that had fully expressed her contempt of you. Her smell, so delicious and the proof of her supernatural strength.

With Natsume, she had instantly (not really) hated him. His eyes, not staring at you like you were nothing, but looking at you with a strange kind of honesty. His lips, not pulling in a show of disdain, but with a shaky and tentative smile. His smell, so delicious and the proof of his power.

There were only a few things, beings, she had even remotely 'liked'.

Reiko had not been one of them. She had been treasured.

Natsume was not one of them. He was barely tolerated.

The fact that she worried when she saw him lying on the ground in agonies, was utterly false. Yes, it was because he had her face. Natsume had Reiko's face, and seeing an expression like that on Reiko's face, albeit a look-a-like's, was not acceptable.

The fact that she wanted to go and comfort him, to make him feel better, was all because of that too. Because Natsume had Reiko's face and smell.

Not because it was Natsume.


	22. …of Music

Hello! Ahh, I very, very happy with this one. ^-^ I hope you like it as much as I do.

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><p><strong>...Of Music<strong>

He felt heavy. Heavier than before.

It was all Asagi's fault. And Bull's eye's fault.

It's not that he didn't want to help them, oh no. Asagi was a very nice person, of this he was sure. And Bull's eye... Well, he was Bull's eye. Only seeing Asagi and thinking of Asagi and caring for her.

But it was a little annoying to feel nervous about going to school, because he knew that Asagi would take him over for one second when Tanuma or Nishimura and Kitamoto greeted him. And then they would give him 'that look'. And they weren't the only ones. Some of the others had started to give him strange sidelong looks. Going to school made him nervous for the entirely wrong reasons.

He will be glad when they finally manage to make the koto for Asagi and she will play it for her precious Mibu-sama, and then Asagi and Bull's eye will be able to leave.

But then... Music like never before...

He felt light. Just like he used to before Asagi possessed him.

It was a lonely feeling, even though he was not nervous to go to school for that reason any more. It was a lonely feeling, because Asagi had become an almost constant presence inside of him, something soft and warm, someone who was kind and understanding. It was a lonely feeling, because Bull's eye had always had a comforting presence about him, someone who was ready to bleed to protect you, for you.

At least the music from Asagi's heart remained with him, even if it was in memories. (And only there.)


	23. …of Life

Hello! I'm not so sure on this one again. The title doesn't seem to fit... =_=' Anyway, enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Life<strong>

They really are very sweet. Humans.

How sweet that they would think it his merit that the rain came? How sweet that they would come after that to pray to him. How utterly sweet.

She was sweet too. With her soft looking hair and warm, kind eyes, she was sweet. Her voice was quiet and yet melodic to his ears. All of her, sweet.

He wished he could reciprocate the sweetness.

But he was a spirit. And she was a human. A human who, unlike Reiko, could not see spirits. And maybe that was good. Reiko was never that sweet. She was always more bitter than anything else.

He wanted Hana-san to be sweet. Just like she always was.

Natsume-dono was sweet too. In trying his hardest to help him, even though he had done nothing to help Natsume-dono. In saying that he would come to worship him to keep him here. But he declined Natsume-dono's offering.

He must go with Hana-san and finally be a part of her human life. A proper part of that wonderful sweetness.

Finally, he can talk and be with her.


	24. …of Emotions: Fear

Hello! Again, a bit of a wait... Sorry. :P By the by, was the Matoba woman's name Nanase? Oh, and anonymous reviewer, thank you! ^-^ I hope you all enjoy this one.

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><p>…<strong>Of Emotions:<strong>

_Fear of Certainties_

Nanase-san leant onto the wall beside him, talking all the while. He was a bit surprised and annoyed at her for looking and finding him. And coming to talk. He did not like it.

Especially when she spoke like that, with that little smile on her face.

Nanase-san was so smug, and yet so sympathetic, when she asked him about the incident with the oni in the well. She was silently pointing out to him that she knew why he had taken that job, and she pretended to be surprised when he told her that the youkai that had tried to free the oni was 'driven away' from the zone.

He did not like it.

She never came to see him, wearing those kinds of clothes. Actually, she _never_ came to see him, not ever. Nanase-san, and all of the Matoba clan, expected _him_ to go to _them_. He was the one working mostly for them, so it made sense that when called, or not called, he would be the one to go to them.

He left, or tried to, but Nanase-san spoke again, telling him that the clan head was going to Natsume-kun's area. That dark, unsympathetic, merciless, heartless young man, who did not give a rat's ass about youkai... was going to the area where Natsume-kun lived?

His heart beat a rapid rhythm, the fear of what would happen if those two met in his mind and heart. It was a possibility- No, a horrible certainty that that would happen. And when they did, more than likely Natusme-kun would try to stop the clan head and get hurt.

He did not like it at all.


	25. …of Insanity

Hello! A bit of a wait again... But I'm off to write more drabbies now so you'll get more in the next few days! Hopefully... Hope you enjoy this one and **warning:** has things from episode 7 of Natsume 3rd season.

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><p><strong>...Of Insanity<strong>

Flying.

They were flying, and that was the most wonderful feeling she had ever felt. _His_ hands were holding onto her carefully, but still tightly enough so that she would not fall. There was a smile on _his_ face and this truly was the happiest she had ever been.

Hearing the orders from the Matoba clan was a true nightmare. A never-ending nightmare, because now _he_ was gone and _it was all their fault_.

She stopped eating first, stopped bathing, stopped wanting to live. But then something snapped in her. She wanted revenge, she wanted the damn Matobas to go to hell and stay there and suffer for all eternity! No... she wanted the head, the one who had given the orders, to be eaten by a youkai. To be devoured as her precious crow had been.

She planned everything to the perfection, she searched and found the sealed youkai, she made the rumours reach the ears of the Matobe clan and their head. She drew the blood and made the preparations. She would get her revenge. She _needed_ to get her revenge.

Her heart, once broken beyond repair, called for blood.

Her mind, filled with _his_ image, was as dead and gone as her youkai. Her love.

She would get her revenge and then, maybe, this nightmare would end.

Maybe they would be able to fly again...


	26. …of Destruction

Hello! Wanted to do something on the teacup-ayakashi from episode 1 of the 3rd season (**warning!**) It didn't fit in the way I usually write these, so decided to do it a bit differently. ^-^ I hope it's any good. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>...Of Destruction<strong>

It is said that when destruction is about to visit a house, the Kagejawan will run around inside it as a warning.

You listen intently to the sound of pattering feet, knowing it is the small teacup-ayakashi warning everyone of impending disaster.

That was exactly what you wanted to avoid. You do not want the wonderful couple who took you in to be hurt. You do not want them to be dragged into this crazy world where you are not sure if the next youkai wants to eat you or steal the book or ask for their name from that very same book.

You hope that whatever disaster it is that is being predicted to happen will not be too bad. (Then you have to ignore the small voice in your head asking: What is the point of calling it 'disaster' if it is 'not too bad'?)

It is also said that sometimes, to repay a kindness for instance, the Kagejawan will stop that disaster from happening by sacrificing itself.

You gaze at the small broken pieces of the little teacup-ayakashi on the desk in your room. The sight of it is bittersweet because you are sad for its 'death'. The sight of it is bittersweet because you are happy that this spirit cared enough to do that sacrifice.

There is nothing you can do to repay that one, so you take a handkerchief made of cloth and place it next to its remains. Slowly and gently you place the pieces on the cloth. Then you tie a knot in it, making the kerchief into a small bag.

You will treasure that bag, remembering that kindness. (It will remind you to never give up on cruel beings. That everyone will always have shred of kindness in them, you and Reiko included.)


	27. …of a Mob

Hello! Uhhm... Is this still considered Sunday? It's about 10 a.m. here... =_= Anyway I might post something else today. Or maybe not. We'll see. Wanted to try something else again, so went for the 'I-PoV'. Hope you enjoy it! ^-^

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><p><strong>...Of a Mob<strong>

I didn't look around myself. I knew well about the countless of spirits. All around me, blocking my way out if I wanted to back out from the race. But I didn't. I kept my eyes on the prize, the pale blue yukata that would give a spirit a human form for one night.

The smell was oppressive, sometimes a sweet scent that was heady and euphoric. Other times it was reeking of corpses and rotting things. Mingled together, it almost made me want to gag, but I didn't. I couldn't.

Not now.

I couldn't even start running on my own before the surge of spirits took me with them, pushing me, shoving me, trying to trip me. I fought to stay upright, to not be trampled under foot and claw and hoof. To remain in the race and win the prize.

I had to do it. I had to win.

But I couldn't. Not like this. I was just a human. I had no amazing speed or strength without using my powers. And I could never win in this race against spirits without my powers.

I wouldn't win...

I would never be able to win. Not alone.

¨We'll trounce them, Natsume! Grab on!¨

Never alone.


	28. …of Absolution

Well, hello hello. It has been a while, yes? =_= Siiigh. I'm sorry, but I've been so busy that I haven't even had the time to watch the newest Natsume episodes! :( I'll try to watch them tomorrow or in the weekend or sometime and get you a few updates.

This has been on my mind lately, so thought I should write it. I think you might find it a bit more confusing that some of the others have been (mostly because there are no names used here), but that just the point. Hehe. ^-^ But no, actually, I'm trying to have a _real_ point with this. I wonder if you get... Still, I hope you enjoy this!** Warning**: has to do with Natsume 3rd season ep. 3.

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><p><strong>...Of Absolution<strong>

The sun has set. It has been dark for a while now. The air is quiet, surprisingly so. Sounds of traffic are muted. Or nonexistent. Nothing moves. Not even the wind that should ruffle the tree leaves.

_Liar..._

There are two boys standing on a deserted train platform. They stare at each other, one warily and one worriedly. One has brown locks and brown eyes, while the other is light eyed and light haired.

They are opposites of each other.

In the way they stand. Face to face.

In the way they look. One taller and one smaller. One beautiful and one handsome.

Even in the way they are. One liar. And liar.

_Liar..._

The boy opens his mouth to speak, but does not say a word. He bits his lip, his eyes finally slipping from the silent, calm stare of the other. ¨I...¨

¨What?¨

The boy is carrying a small papery basket with him, a pretty logo of a bakery on its side. Inside are four delicious shortcakes that the two had spent a long time of the evening trying to find. And now that the shot of adrenalin for not finding what they were looking, the excitement of succeeding against their beliefs had dissipated, they were left in this strange limbo.

The past hovering between them. Whispering.

_Liar..._

The boy looks up again at the other. The worried look has disappeared from his eyes.

¨I'm sorry.¨

The boy stares at the other, his face unreadable. Forbidding. He knows what the other is saying, what he means by this apology. And he knows...

_LIAR..._

But the words, the nightmares, the many tears haunt in his eyes, in his memories. How can he? How can he forgive the other when he still dreams of those days, those eyes and that loneliness. Deep unending loneliness, that seems to never go away.

How can he do that when he himself cannot let go of the past?

Maybe...

_...Liar..._

The boy is sure. So sure... Eyes accepting, he lets out a little sigh he is not aware of. He would have wished... But he understands that what was said and done was cruel. Cruel beyond measure.

¨I know.¨

Eyes widen.

A smile.

A breath is caught.

A shy smile. ¨I know.¨ A fearful smile.

This is it.

_Absolution_.


	29. …of Friendship

Aha! A second update _this week_. ^-^ Boy, aren't I proud of meself. I think this one... Wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I started writing. I first thought, as I want a varied sight on all the characters in Natsume, I should do one from Kitamoto's and Nishimura's PoV. But then this kind of got out of hand and it seemed better to make it in Takashi PoV. Hope you still like it, though it did seem a bit weird to me.

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><p><strong>...Of Friendship<strong>

He honestly did not understand. He didn't.

Going to this new school had been normal. He had been introduced to his class, he had introduced himself, and the questions had come pouring in. It had been nice. It always was nice. But then, at some point or another, because of him or someone else, things would change. No longer friendly smiles, no longer anything.

Lonely.

Friendless.

It had always been like that. He had always been like that.

And this... This made him angry, envious, bitter, _hateful_. That- that- That _nerve_.

They were so close. So friendly with each other. They could be smiling and happy one minute and yelling profanities at the other in the next. And on the third minute they would have already forgotten the hurtful words and be smiling and happy again.

He had never had anything like that. Something that had always been there, something that would never actually disappear. Something that did not care what kind of horrible things were said, it still would be forgiven.

So he did not understand. Why would Kitamoto and Nishimura, those two always together and friendly, want _him_ as their friend? The one who has never had any friends, the one without a family? The weirdo? The liar?

But they still did, they sought him out, called to him in the mornings and laughed _with_ him. Took him out and made him, unwittingly, smile _happily_. They even got angry at him and playfully wailed at the injustice he had done to them. They smiled apologetically and told him they were on his side. And they expected him to understand and forgive and _just be_.

Like it was, and should be, normal to him.

_He would never change this for the world._


	30. …of Perseverance

Hello! It has been a while, hasn't it? I'll be trying to get something else out soon. I found some drabbies that I'd written ages ago that were quite good. :D Just need some polishing. Anyway, hope you enjoy the 30th (!) drabbie.

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><p><strong>...<strong>**Of Perseverance**

It was weird. Natsume-kun's expression. It was blank, as if he hadn't understood her question. Yet she got the feeling like Natsume-kun understood perfectly. He stared at her gravely, golden eyes never wavering from her face. Pinning her down. She was a little scared, to tell the truth.

What if Natsume-kun won't help her? She kept talking to him, begging him. She did that because of the spike of fear, because of the desperation that had filled her ever since she had heard of the demolition order. She had already lost so much, she definitely did not want to lose this as well! She couldn't.

It took a while, but his face became derisive. Natsume-kun laughed at her quietly. And then his face changed, his demeanour changed, morphed into something else entirely. The smile was still there, so faint it was hard to see. But it was there. And his eyes, always so kind and warm and insecure, were cold and hard when he spoke to her. The words hardly registered with her, she could only hear the hurt tone. See the fear and rage in those eyes.

It occurred to her than that Natsume-kun was in a similar position as her. He had lost quite a lot as well, while retaining that same happiness as her. Her meddling might take that happiness away from him.

And yet, she had already come so far. She couldn't just give up now. All she needed was to _thank_-


	31. …of Flesh and Blood

Well. This is short. But I don't think it needs anything more to it. Oh, and FYI, I'll be updating tomorrow too. (Yay.) After that... We'll see. Enjoy! :) (Random: I have finally, _finally_, won the war of the eluding ellipsis of the chapter titles! You shall never elude me again!)

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><p><strong>...Of Flesh and Blood<strong>

They never thought of anything else. It was almost boring, the way they seemed to be fixated on one and one thing only. Even after years, centuries, their children were still the same. As were their pathetic attempts to remain as they were for all eternity. And their fear of the passing of the time and how it changed them.

For her, all of that would have been the most wonderful thing. To feel time move, and to feel herself move as well because of that change. But she was stuck. Stuck without a choice of whether she belonged with those who lived or those who were dead and breathing, cursed beyond imagination.

There were only a few of her kin left now. Killed for their immortality, they were. Killed by puny humans. Even youkai and ayakashi, those considered very close to her own kind, hunted her kin. All of them, desiring her flesh, her blood. Like mirror images of each other, they wanted to live forever in loneliness.


	32. …of Luck

Here's today's! Hope you like it! :D

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><p><strong>...<strong>**Of Luck  
><strong>

It was so horrible. The darkness seemed to be physical, dripping over him like slime. Sucking him deeper and deeper into the shadows of his heart. The hate became familiar, an everyday occurrence. It became everything he had left in this dark, dark place beneath the earth.

It was so horrible. The filthiness that lingered in his soul and heart, tainting him thoroughly. The loneliness became familiar. Not that he wanted things to be different in any way. He was content to let things be as they were. He was content to stay in this place that had been his prison, that was now his home.

She was so beautiful. So pretty, so pure. He wanted to touch her so, so much. But he was tainted, filthy, horrible. She should not be touched by the likes of him, lest she become like him.

It was so horrible. The sweet call of her voice, cajoling him to appear to her. To appear to her and become accepted by her. _This_ feeling could never become familiar to him, no matter how long he would feel it. It gave him hope, hope of something he knew, has known since his imprisonment, that wasn't meant for him.


End file.
